Stop everything you’re doing and watch Rick Perry on last night’s ‘Dancing With the Stars’ finale

Rick Perry: Two-time presidential candidate, Texas’ 47th governor, potential contender for a number of Cabinet positions in the Donald Trump White House . . . and really bad dancer.

Former Texas governor Rick Perry will pair with Emma Slater on "Dancing with the Stars, " which starts its new season on Monday, Sept. 12, 2016. (Craig Sjodin/ABC)
Former Texas governor Rick Perry will pair with Emma Slater on “Dancing with the Stars, ” which starts its new season on Monday, Sept. 12, 2016. (Craig Sjodin/ABC)

I mean, really bad. Perry was on Dancing With The Stars earlier this season but was the second contestant voted off the show. On Tuesday night, he made an appearance on the show’s season finale, dancing with Vanilla Ice to — what else? — “Ice Ice Baby.” And it’s a little painful to watch.

According to People, Perry and Vanilla Ice formed a bit of a “bromance” when they were on the show together. I would say that’s probably the least likely friendship ever, but honestly, nothing Perry does surprises me anymore.

You know, you have to commend the guy for trying, though — he may not be the most talented dancer on the stage, but man, he always looked like he was having a great time.

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Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer hawks coffee at H-E-B; here are other possible Austin celebrity product pitches

Aerosmith Drummer Joey Kramer's coffee line is now available at select H-E-B stores.
Aerosmith Drummer Joey Kramer’s coffee line is now available at select H-E-B stores.

Did you know that Aerosmith’s drummer, Joey Kramer, lives in Georgetown, Tex., just up I-35?

Back in the day, the group was legendary for its indulgence in stimulants of all kinds. But the rockers have long since cleaned up their act and these days Kramer’s hawking a pick-me-up in a cup.

Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer
Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer

Joey Kramer’s Rockin’ & Roastin’ Coffee has arrived in Texas, courtesy of retailer H-E-B. The organic line of java (sold in packs of single-serve brewing cups) comes in medium, medium-dark and dark roasts hailing from Guatemala, Ethiopia and Sumatra, respectively.

“Having lived in the Lone Star State for the past several years, expanding Rockin’ & Roastin’s availability to my adopted state is both professionally and personally gratifying,” Kramer says. “Since our expansion into the retail market in 2013, I’ve had my heart set on bringing my java to the fine people of Texas.”

Thanks, Joey — we’re not worthy!

A list of H-E-B stores carrying the coffee, as well as more information on the product, can be found at rockinandroastin.com.

Meanwhile, the product got us thinking about other Austin celebrity-tied products and services that don’t exist, but absolutely should:

Stevie Ray-Bans — You’d be hard-pressed to find the legendary bluesman and favorite son wearing sun shades. Go ahead, Google it. But a line of sleek sunglasses would be perfect for deflecting the scorching lights bouncing off Lady Bird Lake while we’re checking out his statue at Auditorium Shores.

Brooklyn Double Decker Bus Tours — Austin gets a lot of visitors and they need stuff to do. To that end, we can easily imagine Decker, the stunning model and actress, in late night commercials on The CW hawking tours of the city with her husband, former tennis pro Andy Roddick, in between ads for personal injury lawyers. How many minutes would each tour last, 40? Love!

Willie Half-Nelson Gyms — You thought we were going to go in a different direction with the redheaded stranger, didn’t you? That’s not legal here, yet. But the beloved singer/songwriter and Austin-area fixture is in such good shape for his age, we envision him as a latter-day Buster Crabbe. Imagine arm workouts based on guitar strumming. It could happen.

Kyle Chandler’s Coach Service — I don’t know if you’ve ever tried driving up Parmer Lane west of the tollway on a Friday night during high school football season, but it’s a bear. Hundreds of stop-and-go (mostly stop) cars line the stretch between 620 and the facility. It’s no fun. That’s where the “Friday Night Lights” star could come in handy with a line of coach buses showing episodes of the beloved Austin-filmed television series with live commentary by Coach himself at the front of the bus, microphone in hand.

Robert Plant’s Plants — Okay, the aging Led Zeppelin frontman and former Patty Griffin paramour no longer calls Austin his home, but he stayed just long enough to make the list. Because Austin loves all things green, we’re ready to open our hearts and wallets to the landscapers’ supply house we imagine him opening. Sign me up for the maintenance package — “The Lawn Remains the Same.”

Zooey Deschanel had a baby! And got secretly married!

Mythical Austin unicorn Zooey Deschanel has welcomed a baby girl, according to ABC News. What’s more: She and Austin-based film producer Jacob Pechenik reportedly have also tied the knot.

In this Sept. 10, 2014 file photo, Jacob Pechenik, left, and Zooey Deschanel  attend "The Skeleton Twins," premiere at ArcLight Theatre in Los Angeles. A spokeswoman for the 35-year-old entertainer confirmed Tuesday, Aug. 4, 2015, that Deschanel recently married Jacob Pechenik and gave birth to the couple’s baby girl. No other details were provided. (Photo by Brian Dowling/Invision/AP, File)
In this Sept. 10, 2014 file photo, Jacob Pechenik, left, and Zooey Deschanel attend “The Skeleton Twins,” premiere at ArcLight Theatre in Los Angeles. A spokeswoman for the 35-year-old entertainer confirmed Tuesday, Aug. 4, 2015, that Deschanel recently married Jacob Pechenik and gave birth to the couple’s baby girl. No other details were provided. (Photo by Brian Dowling/Invision/AP, File)

ABC quotes the actress’ rep:

“I am thrilled to confirm that Zooey Deschanel and her husband Jacob Pechenik are new parents to a beautiful healthy baby girl.”

According to Page Six, “insider sources” say the baby was born in Austin. (So, “please don’t move here” crowd, don’t tell this baby to go back to California.)

As for the wedding bells: At last report, Deschanel and Pechenik were engaged, and ABC reports that it is unclear when the pair married. Deschanel has been spotted with Pechenik around town lately, according to multiple reports.

Remember: ‘Magic Mike XXL’ star Amber Heard is one of Austin’s own

Though Zooey Deschanel is the new girl in town, don’t forget that another buzzworthy actress called the capital of Texas home long before: “Magic Mike XXL” actress Amber Heard. The 29-year-old was born in Austin and can currently be seen receiving Channing Tatum’s athletic overtures in the male stripper blockbuster.

Amber Heard poses for photos on the red carpet at the Texas Film Awards at Austin Studios on Thursday, March 6, 2014.   (JAY JANNER / AMERICAN-STATESMAN)
Amber Heard poses for photos on the red carpet at the Texas Film Awards at Austin Studios on Thursday, March 6, 2014. (JAY JANNER / AMERICAN-STATESMAN)

Here are five things to know about Heard:

1) Heard, married to actor Johnny Depp since earlier this year, made headlines Wednesday after she was summoned to appear in Australian court over allegations she smuggled her pet dogs into the country. The couple did not declare their Yorkshire terriers, Boo and Pistol, when entering the country in April, according to Australia’s agriculture department. Addressing the Australian government’s response to the incident, Heard told NBC “I have a feeling we’re going to avoid the land Down Under from now on, just as much as we can, thanks to certain politicians there.”

2) As is befitting an actress with Texas ties, Heard made her film debut in 2004’s “Friday Night Lights.”

3) She was honored by the Texas Film Hall of Fame in 2014, receiving the Rising Star award.

4) According to Tatler, Heard loves guns, muscle cars and line dancing.

5) Heard reportedly shaped much of her “Magic Mike XXL” character’s appearance and personality, including an affinity for red velvet cake, as she explains in the video below: