Move over, Lewis Carroll. One writer has dreamed up a beast much more terrifying than the “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” writer’s Jabberwocky: The Traffickwocky.
Local bard Tex MoPac (we’ll bet that’s not their real name) penned a poetry book about the plights of Austinites stuck in traffic called “Traffickwocky: Austin Traffic Poetry & Whatnot” and you can buy it for $11 here, if that’s the kind of thing you want to spend $11 on. According to the website, the book features epic poems such as “Richard Linklater Caught in Traffic” (it seems likely this has happened before), “Shakespeare Stuck in Traffic” (this one is perhaps less likely), “Masters Winner Stuck in Traffic,” “Google Fiber Stuck in Traffic” and everyone’s favorite holiday poem, “Trail of Brake Lights.”
We even get a taste of one of the poems, titled “Stop-n-Go Hipster,” which reads: “We parallel one another at speeds under 5 m.p.h. / I can see the setting sun through the enormous hole in his ear lobe.” Deep.
So who is this Tex MoPac anyway? There’s no way to know, really, but the website gives us a hint (if you want to believe that any of this is actually true): He was born on a Greyhound Bus in traffic on Highway 71, thus dubbing him the Bard of Austin Traffic. The site reads:
“Tex MoPac suggests that Austinites love to think they are united in some glorious and hip way: the love of live music, food trucks or college football. That may be true for some, but when you really get down to it, Tex MoPac maintains, there is only one true unifying (and horrifying) experience, the abominable monster that seems to grow stronger by the day: traffic.”
Is Tex MoPac the alter ego of @EvilMopacATX on Twitter? We may never know. Either way, this “humor” book promises to be 138 pages of traffic poetry (and whatnot) that’s sure to be highly relatable for any Austinite that’s ever been stuck on MoPac. Or I-35. Or Lamar. Or 183. Or anywhere downtown. You get the point.